Why Do People Take Pleasure in Hurting Others? Self-righteousness and Boasting

Not too long ago, I became friends with a young lady who was introduced to me through a mutual person. I reached out to get to know the young woman because when I was in her presence at our mutual friend’s home before, she seemed nice and to be a serious Christian. In my search to make more Christ-like friends, reaching out to her seemed like a good move. However, as I began conversing with the young woman on the phone, I picked up on some behaviors, language, and character traits that I wasn’t so fond of. One of the first in depth discussions we had was about how bad of a person our mutual friend was, everything wrong and ungodly she had done in her life, and how much of a “sinner she was”. Now let me back up a bit. This new friend and our mutual friend had a falling out for about the fourth time right before I reached out to the new friend to develop a friendship. I tried to be understanding and rationalized the gossiping and backbiting of the new friend about the former mutual friend to her being hurt about how the friendship ended. I encouraged her to talk to woman about her feelings to see if it could be worked out. The new friend quickly dismissed the idea that their relationship could be worked out because the former friend had broken her heart by “not receiving her advice, not appreciating all she had done for her, abruptly ending communication with her for the umpteenth time, and because the former friend was living a life of sin”. I assured her that I understood her feelings and why she didn’t feel comfortable being friends with the woman anymore. With that I encouraged her to seek healing and to try her hardest not to keep speaking resentfully and in a negative manner about the woman.

As time went on the new friend’s true motives came out as she continued to talk badly about the other woman every time she got the chance. She talked about how ugly she looked, how she couldn’t keep a man or friends, about her bad choices/sins, and how much better of a life she had than the other lady. It was like an obsession; a very bad one at that. The new friend even tried to turn me against her former friend by suggesting reasons why I should talk to her (saying that the woman was dangerous, fake, not a true Christian, ect.). It was very manipulative and seemed clear that the only reason this lady wanted to be friends with me was to have someone on her side to talk down about the other woman with and to flaunt that she had a new “bestie” in the other woman’s face in hopes to make her jealous. The new friend talked badly about her former friend a few more times over the next few weeks. I responded by either ignoring the comments or confronting her and directing her back to the Word of God about language, walking in love, and checking our own hearts for negativity. I also made it clear more than once that I could make my own decisions and that I did not like her trying to control who I can and cannot talk to. As I told her when she first said something mean about the woman, I reiterated that I would stop being friends with both of them if they kept trying to put me in the middle or their problem with one another.

Our relationship came to abrupt end after just one month following an outing with her one weekend. The new friend and I were parked in a parking lot of a store on the way to the movies when the former friend just happened to walk by with her children and guy friend (they had gotten off the bus and was walking to the movies as well). So, of course I walked up to the woman who was waving me down, greeted her, and gave her a hug. My new friend stayed in the car and I could tell by her face that she was uncomfortable. She made a rude comment about the woman after she walked by and laughed at her walking to the movie with her friend and children. I quickly looked at her with disapproval and changed the subject.

After the movie, I pulled up at the friend’s home to drop her off and she went right in discussing the woman before I had a chance to turn off the car. She berated me for talking to the woman and seemed so hurt and shocked because she didn’t know that I was still on speaking terms the woman (after all, I was not supposed to talk to the woman anymore because she wasn’t talking to her and we’re still in middle school *sarcasm). She didn’t think that it was right that I was still friends with the woman who talked badly about her (my new best friend’s) children, about the way she looked, and threatened to fight her (although she did it too). When I brought this to her attention, she quickly denied it, refused to accept responsibility for her part in the fall out, and began down talking the woman again. She talked about how the woman looked, how she was poor, had no husband, was lazy, ect. This went on for 20 or more minutes and she wouldn’t get out of my car until she got out every word and had convinced herself that she was better that the woman in every area of life. As promised and warned to her before by me, I had enough and stopped talking to her. It made me feel super convicted and bad that she was talking so badly about the other woman and I questioned why she seemed to take pleasure in hurting/talking about the woman the way that she did?

So, why do we humans sometimes feel better after talking badly about someone or pointing out how much better we are than they?

Self-righteousness

Self-righteousness is a feeling that one is that one is totally correct or morally superior. The dictionary also describes the word as sanctimonious, holier-than-thou, self-satisfied, smug, priggish, complacent, pious, moralizing, preachy, superior, hypocritical. Now don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with preaching or correcting and we are supposed to do both as well as hold each other accountable to God’s word. However, what I’ve noticed is one who is self-righteous usually doesn’t realize that they are not and was not nor will they ever will be made holy by their own works. Holiness comes through our belief in Jesus Christ alone, not anything that we have done or accomplished. People who are self-righteous swear that there are morally superior to others, that their sin is not “as bad as another person’s”, that they don’t sin at all, and that “they would never behave the way”. This ought not be so amongst Christians. The Bible says that:

“for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God”, Romans 3:23

“If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us”, 1 John 1:8

“And Jesus said to him, “Why do you call me good? No one is good except God alone.”, Mark 10:18

“…Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.”, Galatians 6:1

“and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith”, Philippians 3:9

So we see from the word of God that we have all sinned before and have come short of God’s glory. We continue to sin even after we receive Christ as our Lord and Savior (not making a lifestyle of it) and are liars if we can’t admit our own sin according to 1 John 1:8. If we confess our sins, He is faithful to forgive us. A spirit of self-righteousness seeks to place one person above the other morally although this cannot be because there is no one good but God. It is very dangerous to become self-righteous because according to Galatians 6:1, we can also be tempted to do the same things we point the finger at regarding others and fall ourselves. This is why we must keep watch and I believe that keeping watch refers to watching ourselves, hearts, and motives so that we don’t become self-righteous as well. Finally, righteousness can never come through us or our own actions but through belief in Christ alone. So we have to be careful when we start pointing out others’ sins and short comings because all sin is seen the same in God’s eyes. No sin is worse than another and if we commit one sin we committed them all according to the law. By the law, if I told I lie, I also killed. That’s why we don’t and can’t depend on the law but Christ’s shed blood only.

Emotional Hurt/Feeling Offended

Sometimes, when people feel that someone has hurt their feelings or ego, he or she will verbally attack someone to make himself or herself feel better. It’s human nature to want to defend yourself, your good name, and to want to get even by talking about the person just as bad or worse than they did you. You might feel like “they don’t have a right or room to talk about what I do or how I look when they x, y, and z”. However, this is mostly ego and flesh behaving when we do this. You don’t have to respond to everyone or anyone matter of fact that has something negative to say about you. Let God fight your battles. Take it to Him in prayer and pray for people who hurt, use, and abuse you. We are supposed to show love to our enemies so that they will feel ashamed of their behavior and turn from it. Going back and forth with someone, trading insults, and the like only keeps the negativity going and it causes Satan to win. Christians should not be easily divided and offended like this.

“But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,”, Matthew 5:44

“Blessed are you when people hate you and when they exclude you and revile you and spurn your name as evil, on account of the Son of Man! 23 Rejoice in that day, and leap for joy, for behold, your reward is great in heaven; for so their fathers did to the prophets.”, Luke 6:22

“But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. 29 To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic[b] either. 30 Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back. 31 And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them. If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. 33 And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. 34 And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. 35 But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. 36 Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.”, Luke 6:27-36

“If your enemy is hungry, give him bread to eat,

and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink,

22 for you will heap burning coals on his head,

and the Lord will reward you.”, Proverbs 25:21-22

“Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: 27 Neither give place to the devil”, Ephesians 4:26-27…

“29 Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. 30 And grieve not the Holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: 32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.” V. 29-32

Insecurity

Sometimes when we feel insecure, we talk about others to make ourselves look better. Or we talk about others in hopes that our own insecurities, negative qualities, and areas in which we are inadequate in or lacking will not be revealed. Sometimes, people talk badly about someone when they envy something about the person. Maybe they have a bigger house, make more money, are prettier, dress better, smarter, more likeable, more talented, or maybe they are dating or engaged to someone we like or wish we had. Insecurities like these often show up in the form of gossip, bad mouthing, tearing down, tail bearing, and back biting. When that person who seems “oh so perfect” is torn down, we feel better. We should be happy with what we have been given, our personal qualities/attributes, our lives, and what we have earned. Each person is special, unique and brings something different to the table. All of us are important and should not be jealous of or feel inadequate/inferior around others. Comparing people can be one of the worst things that can happen. Instead we should be happy for one another and for what we are actually able to do/what we already have.

“For the commandments, “You shall not commit adultery, You shall not murder, You shall not steal, You shall not covet,” and any other commandment, are summed up in this word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”, Romans 13:9

“You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere humans?” 1 Corinthians 3:3

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.”, 1 Corinthians 13:4

“Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it.”, James 4:11

“12 There is one body, but it has many parts. But all its many parts make up one body. It is the same with Christ. 13 We were all baptized by one Holy Spirit. And so we are formed into one body. It didn’t matter whether we were Jews or Gentiles, slaves or free people. We were all given the same Spirit to drink. 14 So the body is not made up of just one part. It has many parts. 15 Suppose the foot says, “I am not a hand. So I don’t belong to the body.” By saying this, it cannot stop being part of the body. 16 And suppose the ear says, “I am not an eye. So I don’t belong to the body.” By saying this, it cannot stop being part of the body. 17 If the whole body were an eye, how could it hear? If the whole body were an ear, how could it smell? 18 God has placed each part in the body just as he wanted it to be. 19 If all the parts were the same, how could there be a body? 20 As it is, there are many parts. But there is only one body. 21 The eye can’t say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” The head can’t say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” 22 In fact, it is just the opposite. The parts of the body that seem to be weaker are the ones we can’t do without. 23 The parts that we think are less important we treat with special honor. The private parts aren’t shown. But they are treated with special care. 24 The parts that can be shown don’t need special care. But God has put together all the parts of the body. And he has given more honor to the parts that didn’t have any. 25 In that way, the parts of the body will not take sides. All of them will take care of one another. 26 If one part suffers, every part suffers with it. If one part is honored, every part shares in its joy. 27 You are the body of Christ. Each one of you is a part of it.”, 1 Corinthians 12:12-27